Last Night I Ugly Cried Because Celiac Disease
Last night I ugly cried; you know the kind where tears start coming, and you can’t control it, and the next thing you know you’re sobbing uncontrollably, but it feels right, so you keep letting it out. I thought I was good, and I had let it all out then Kevin asked me if I was okay and I looked at him and said no then crawled into his arms and ugly cried some more while he just held me. I told him sorry, and he said, “Never be sorry you have every reason to cry and be angry, Celiac Disease sucks, and it is not fair. We all have emotions, and those emotions are supposed to be felt. It’s good to cry and feel them. You can’t always be strong.”
Every year at my kid’s birthdays, I am reminded of how bad celiac disease sucks and how excluded I am from so many things. Yes, it’s my fault. I want to make their day as special as possible, so for 48 hours, it’s all about them and their favorite food and treats and anything they want, and that includes all the gluten, even ALL my most favorite gluten-filled things.
Last night at the dinner table, as we celebrated Kolbie’s 11th birthday, I watched for the second night in a row, them enjoying the food I couldn’t, and it took everything in me not to cry in front of my kids. My daughter looked up at me from across the table while eating her favorite donut with heavy eyes, knowing I couldn’t and says, “I’m sorry, Mom.” I faked a smile, tried to swallow the giant lump in my throat, and said,” It’s okay, don’t be sorry. Happy birthday, sweetie!” You would think those types of moments go away over time. They haven’t for me yet. It’s not always, but I still do have them.
I’m not writing this for sympathy, but merely as a reminder to all of you, just like my husband reminded me last night. It is OKAY to be sad about your food restrictions. It is OKAY to cry and not to be strong 100% of the time, and most importantly, it’s OKAY to feel your emotions. I am grateful there are more good times than tough times. Enjoy the good times and hold on to them. When we focus on the good, the good gets better. ❤️
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